A Turnip for the Worse
by Sir Cecil the Sea Sleep King
Summary: Shinji and Asuka wake up on Turnip Island, where nothing is quite what it seems...
1. 1: Genesis

Chapter 1: Genesis

"Shinji, I don't know if you can even hear me... But... You're a pretty great guy. I just hope you never forget me..."

"Gah, what's happened? Why won't they wake up? Wake up, come on! Wake up... Wake up..."

"WAKE UP!"

"Mmph... Huh? Wh-where are we?" asked Shinji, confused.

"No idea." said Asuka. "I was hoping that you would know."

"I don't remember how we got here..." said Shinji. "In fact, I can't really remember anything... All I remember is this girl saying she hopes I never forget her."

"Which girl?"

"Um... I don't know."

"Wow, real great job at remembering her, then."

"But, uh, anyway, maybe we should ask someone where we are." Shinji looked around. "Or, at least, find someone first. This place is really empty."

* * *

"So, have you seen anyone yet?" asked Shinji.

"Well, if I had, we would've stopped by now, you idiot!" Asuka replied.

"I haven't seen anybody around here either. Just a load of patches of turnips."

"Well, that's why they call it Turnip Island, don'tchaknow!" said an unknown voice.

"Huh? Who's there?" asked Shinji. "There's nobody here. Well, except that frog."

"Hey, I have a name, y'know!" said the Frog. "The name's Masami."

"You can talk?!"

"And I can sing!" said Masami.

"_I am a frog, I'm not sitting on a log, but if I did, it would fit better with the rhyme scheme._"

Asuka sighed. "I wake up with no memory, and the first thing I see is a singing frog. Just great."

"I know, right?" said Masami. "I've been practising that song for-"

"I was being sarcastic."

"Hey, aren't you guys gonna tell me your names?"

"I'm Shinji, and that's Asuka."

"Great! See, you're making friends already! But I've got another friend you guys should meet! Come on! Let's go see Elder Kabu!"

* * *

"Hmm... A visitor, eh? Who is it?"

"Hey, Kabu! I've brought some friends!"

An elderly man opened the door. He had a long white beard, and two hairs sprouting out of his head, like the stalk of a turnip.

"These are my new friends, Shinji and Asuka!"

"Um... Hello, Elder... Kabu, was it?" said Shinji. "We were wondering if you could tell us what's going on."

"Or how we can get outta here." said Asuka.

"Well, you're on Turnip Island, my boy! Nothing of interest goes on here, really... Well, except for the Golden Turnip." said Kabu.

"Golden... Turnip?"

"Yes, the Golden Turnip..." said Kabu. "And now that I look at you... You must be the heroes of the prophecy!"

"There's a prophecy now?" said Asuka.

"Yes... The Golden Turnip is said to contain limitless power, and it was set to be guarded by two brothers. That's me, and my younger brother Dick Turnip."

Shinji started laughing.

"What's so funny about Dick Turnip?"

"Uh... N-nothing!"

Kabu held up an ancient-looking scroll.

"Anyway, there is an ancient prophecy, that states that one of the brothers is secretly evil. So, if it ever falls into the wrong hands, the two heroes must put things right again!"

"Yep, that's what it says alright." said Masami. "Heh, normally, prophecies are all vague and stuff."

"Well, count me out." said Asuka. "I don't care about all this prophecy stuff. Just tell us how to get home, and we're leaving."

"Well, actually..." said Kabu. "The only way to leave this island is by fulfilling the prophecy!"

"How does that work, then?" asked Shinji.

"Uh... The prophecy works in mysterious ways. And besides, if the Golden Turnip fell into the wrong hands, the whole world could be in danger! And it's all the way over in Dick Turnip's house."

"So, you're saying that Dick Turnip is the bad guy?" said Masami. "Well, that settles it, then. We're doing the prophecy, baby!"

"What do you mean, 'we'? Who said you're coming?" said Asuka.

"Well, I know the easiest way to Dick Turnip's house. And I have impressive harmonica-playing skills. One of those is going to be really helpful on your quest, and knowing the way to Dick's house might be useful too."

* * *

"Well, I guess if we want to go home, we've got to do this quest." said Shinji. "So, let's go!"

"Alright!" said Masami. "First stop, the Rolling Fields!"


	2. 2: Exodus

Chapter 2: Exodus

"Come on, what's taking you so long?" said Asuka.

"Well, this place is called the Rolling Fields, so I'm gonna roll all the way there!" replied Masami.

"Look, I don't have time for this. Just... ride on my shoulder, or something."

Masami hopped onto Asuka's shoulder.

"But don't get any ideas. We're not friends."

"Wait a second!" said Shinji. "I just remembered something. That girl that I remember... Her name was... Rrr... something. I definitely remember it beginning with the letter R."

"Uh... okay." said Masami. "Wait, who're we talking about again?"

* * *

Twenty minutes later...

* * *

"So, uh... any ideas for passing the time?" said Shinji. "I mean, there's nothing interesting around here. Just fields, and... more fields..."

"Hey, what are those over there?" asked Asuka.

"Those are Scuffalos." said Masami. "They may seem like peaceful creatures, but you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of those horns!"

Shinji's stomach growled. "Ugh... so hungry..."

"Me too." said Asuka.

"Well, I've got just the cure for your little hunger problem." said Masami. "With a little help from my friend Pete!"

"Who's Pete?"

"Peat moss! AKA, the best food in the whole universe!"

"Uh... do you have anything else to eat?" said Shinji. "I don't think humans can even eat that."

"Well, uh... Y'see... Um..."

"Don't tell me you've only brought peat moss and nothing else." said Asuka.

"Well, then... I won't tell you. Even though it's true."

"You idiot! We're gonna starve to death because of you! ...Actually, you know what? We won't starve to death. Because we'll be having _frog's legs _for dinner!"

"Ooh, fancy! Where are you going to get the... ...Oh."

Masami started running away as fast as his frog legs could carry him.

"Hey, come back here!"

* * *

Five minutes later...

* * *

"Come on, stop hiding in that log already." said Asuka.

"No way!" said Masami. "You said you're gonna eat me!"

"I was just joking. But we still need to find something to eat out here."

"Hey, where's Shinji? Shouldn't he have followed us by now?"

"Eh, he can catch up to us. So, what is there to eat around here...?"

* * *

Just then, a loud moo came from behind them.

"I've got an idea!" said Masami. "Looks like it's Scuffalo-hunting season!"

"What? Didn't you say those things are really dangerous?"

"Relax, I'm a wildlife expert. I mean, I _am_ the wildlife! If we sneak up from behind, then we can catch it by surprise!"

"Okay, on the count of three." said Asuka. "One, two, three!"

Masami jumped onto the Scuffalo from behind. The Scuffalo continued chewing at the grass, not noticing the frog clinging to its caboose.

"So, what was the next part of your plan?" asked Asuka. "Sneak up from behind, then what?"

"I... might not have thought this one through."

Suddenly, the Scuffalo started running, and Masami hung on as hard as he could.

"Asuka! HELP! Oh, why was I born with such slippery hands?"

"Alright, alright. I'll come and save you."

"At least I'm grabbing onto its back, and not in front of its-"

Suddenly Masami fell off the Scuffalo, and it turned towards him.

"H-h-h-HORNS!"

The Scuffalo looked down at Masami angrily.

"Hey, fuzz face!" shouted Asuka. "Take... this!"

Asuka hit the Scuffalo, and it ran off into the wilderness.

"Thanks for saving me!" said Masami.

"Anything for a... f-f-f... uh, acquaintance. But, now that that thing's ran off, where are we gonna get food now?"

Just then, Shinji appeared. "Hey, what are you guys talking about?"

"Um... What's that in your hand?"

"Oh, this? Well, it turns out there was this burger place just over there. I thought you would've gone there... as... well... Uh, you okay, Asuka?"

"YOU MEAN I WASTED MY TIME CHASING THAT STUPID ANIMAL AROUND FOR NO REASON?"

"Hey, that's no way to refer to me!" said Masami.

* * *

Meanwhile...

* * *

"Ah, such a beautiful day today." said Dick Turnip. "You know, maybe I should check on the Golden Turnip later...

Just then, there was a beeping noise.

"Dinner's ready! I'd better call her down."

Dick Turnip went upstairs and knocked on his daughter's bedroom door.

"Sweetie pie, dinner's ready!"

"...'Kay."

"She's always in there inventing stuff." said Dick Turnip to himself. "But I don't understand any of it..."


	3. 3: Judges

Chapter 3: Judges

"Ugh, why does walking around take so long?" said Masami.

"I guess he's got a point." said Shinji. "It would be much faster if we had a-"

"TRAIN!"

"Actually, I was going to say 'car'."

"No, look!" said Masami. "There's a train! And also, a train station! Let's ride on it!"

* * *

"Excuse me, does this train go from here to the other side of those mountains?" asked Masami to the man at the information kiosk.

"Ho ho ho ho! Well, of course!" said the man. "In fact, it's the only way there! Unless you wanted to cross the mountains on foot, but only a fool would do that!"

"Well, in that case..." said Asuka "Three tickets, please."

"Ho ho ho ho! Well, of course!" said the man. "Lucky for you, we've got three tickets left! And they're the last ones!"

"I'll take those, actually." came a voice from nearby.

"Ho ho ho ho! Well, of course! Here you go, Simon!"

Asuka turned around. "Hey! We were here first!"

"Asuka! Don't you know who that guy is?" said Masami.

"Uh... no?"

"That's Simon Scowl! You know, the host of 'Simon Says'? The famous talent competition show?"

"Never heard of him."

"Well, I get to have these tickets, because I'm rich and famous." said Simon. "But, I almost feel bad for you, so here's a deal. If you win first place in my talent show, you can have these three tickets."

"Deal." said Masami. "We are so gonna win this thing!"

Simon Scowl left.

"You idiot!" said Asuka. "Don't you know these kind of talent shows are rigged? We've got no chance!"

"Well, if we want to get anywhere, we need those tickets." said Shinji. "So, there's no harm in trying."

"I guess you're right..." said Asuka. "But what's our act gonna be?"

* * *

"Next!" shouted Simon.

A man wearing a purple cape walked on to the stage.

"Prepare to witness... ze art of levitation! I shall jump off zis chair, and..."

The man with the cape fell onto the ground.

"Simon says... That was a real flop. Next!"

A man wearing a leather jacket walked on to the stage.

"Flugelberry something sauce, Klabba habba stew.

Something something something yeah, don't know what to do."

"Simon says... If Crash Maelstrom was dead, he'd be tossing in his grave like a death-salad. Next!"

Shinji, Asuka, and Masami came on stage.

"Hey, it's those guys from the train station." said Simon. "Go on then, impress me."

"Well, uh... Our act is... um..." said Masami.

"Just do something already!" whispered Asuka.

"Uh..." Masami paused for a moment. "_Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal._"

"Simon says... You're through to the next round!"

"Wait, really?" said Asuka, incredulously.

"Yes, of course..." said Simon. "The crowd always seem to love laughing at the bad ones." he whispered to himself.

* * *

In the dressing room, Masami was talking to Shinji.

"So, for our actual performance, I was thinking... One of you two sings, while I play the harmonica."

"I didn't know you could play the harmonica."

"What? I told you, like, two chapters ago! Anyway, do you think I should wear this wig? No... Doesn't suit me."

"Anyway, I don't really know if I can sing..."

"Then maybe Asuka can do it! Where is she, anyway?"

"She's in the shower room. And she said she needs complete privacy."

"Complete privacy, hmm? I wonder what she's doing in there!"

"Uh... showering?"

"Hmm... Well, that's why it's so exciting! You don't know until you find out! Come on! Let's go to the showers!"

* * *

"Aha! Just as I hypoth... hypothe... thought!" said Masami. "There's a strange noise coming from the shower!"

"I don't really think this is a good idea..." said Shinji, hiding in the doorway. "Wait, who's that, singing?"

"_Even though clear blue winds  
Beat on the door of my heart,  
You just smile, looking straight at me  
Too involved in yearning for  
Something to hold on  
The innocent eyes still know nothing of fate yet._

_But someday you will notice  
On those shoulders of yours  
There are strong wings  
To guide you to the far future._"

"Wow..." said Masami. "So... beautiful..."

* * *

Asuka poked her head out from the shower.

"Uh... I can explain." said Masami.

"AAAAAH! MASAMI?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU WERE TRYING TO SPY ON ME IN THE SHOWER, WEREN'T YOU? YOU... WHY, I OUGHTA..."

"What was that song you were singing?" asked Shinji. "You're... uh... really good, by the way."

"I don't really remember where it's from." said Asuka. "It just kinda came into my head."

"Well, that settles it, then!" said Masami. "You sing, Asuka, and I'll play the harmonica. Shinji, you can handle the lights."

"Whoa, whoa, hold on a minute." said Asuka. "Let's continue this conversation when I'm not half naked, okay?"

* * *

Later...

* * *

"And now, it's time to see who will be the next... big... winner!" said Simon. "That's right, the winner will receive this trophy! ...And some train tickets, I guess. Okay, up first, we have... Magic Ian!"

A magician walked on stage. "For my act, I will... disappear!" Magic Ian disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Simon says... uh... He's gonna come back, right? Anyway, up next is... Unagi Hobākurafuto, the three-time-in-a-row winner! Will this be her fourth?"

* * *

"It's almost our turn!" said Masami. "I'm so excited!"

"I'm... not." said Asuka.

"Huh? Why?"

"Well, I... I've never performed on stage before! And you hear that Japanese girl's singing, right? I don't even understand it, and I know it's amazing! We've got no chance!"

"Well, we've come this far! Don't worry! It'll be fine!"

"Wow." said Simon. "I don't even understand it, and I know it's amazing! Up next... It's the Three Stooges- uh, I mean, three... people. Give it up for Shinji, Asuka, and Masami!"

* * *

"This is it..." said Asuka. "Give me a C!"

Masami started playing the harmonica, and Asuka started singing.

"_Even though clear blue winds  
Beat on the door of my heart,  
You just smile, looking straight at me  
Too involved in yearning for  
Something to hold on  
The innocent eyes still know nothing of fate yet._

_But someday you will notice  
On those shoulders of yours  
There are strong wings  
To guide you to the far future._"

"Okay, now it's time to announce the winner!" said Simon. "In third place is Magic Ian, which just leaves two performances..."

Everyone waited in silence.

"Unagi Hobākurafuto, you've won!"

"See, I told you we'd lose..." Asuka said to herself.

"...many times before, but not this time! Because the trophy goes to... Shinji, Asuka, and Masami!"

* * *

Later, on the train...

* * *

"You did really well out there, Asuka!" said Shinji. "Thanks to you, we're well on our way to the other side of the mountains! And, I guess your harmonica playing was good too, Masami. You should do it more often!"

"Actually, I was thinking of retiring from the harmonica." said Masami. Masami turned to the man on the food trolley. "Excuse me, Monsieur, but will this harmonica cover the cost of one chocolate bar?"

"Ho ho ho ho! Well, of course!" said the man. Masami gave him the harmonica, and the man handed him back a chocolate bar and a small plastic kazoo.

"What's the kazoo for?" asked Masami.

"Your change."


	4. 4: Jonah

Chapter 4: Jonah

"Please watch the closing doors as you exit the train."

"Alright!" said Masami. "We're one step closer to Dick Turnip's house!"

"Hey, I just remembered something else about that girl..." said Shinji. "I'm pretty sure she had blue hair."

"So, blue hair, name starts with R..." said Asuka. "Maybe some day, we'll remember who that girl really is..."

"Anyway, we'd better get going!" said Masami. "I bet we'll be at Dick Turnip's before it gets dark, as long as we don't get sidetracked... Whoa, look at that giant whale!"

* * *

"It's been a long time since I've been to the beach." said Shinji. "Well, I mean, I can't remember a time when I've been."

"That stupid frog..." said Asuka. "He's always making things harder for us. I guess we've got to look for him, though..."

Suddenly, there was a giant blast of water. Shinji and Asuka looked round to see an enormous whale lying on the edge of the water.

"Well, howdy there!" said an old man peering out of the whale's mouth. "The name's Jonah. I've lived in this here whale for thirty-seven years!"

"Uh... okay." said Asuka. "We can't really chat right now, we're looking for-"

"...a frog? Cuz one just hopped in here a moment ago! His name was Salami, or somethin'."

"So, you really live in this place?" said Shinji. "It's really... slimy."

* * *

"Hey, you decided to join me!" came Masami's voice.

"Come on, let's get out of here." said Asuka. "Like you said, we should stop getting sidetracked."

"Y'aint leaving yet, are ye?" said Jonah. "Come stay a while! I hardly get any visitors down 'ere."

"Wow, I wonder why." said Asuka.

"Want a drink, do ya?"

"Huh? Uh, no thanks."

"No, I was talkin' to the whale!" said Jonah. "Grab on to the sides, and watch out, boys!"

Just then, a huge wave of water came flooding into the whale's open mouth.

"D-d-does that happen often?" said Shinji when the whale had closed its mouth.

"Aye, every day!" said Jonah. "But ya don't need to worry about bein' washed down his gullet. Don't ya know, a whale can't swallow anything bigger than a beach ball!"

"Uh... guys?!" came a voice from behind Shinji and Asuka. They turned around to see Masami hanging on for his life in the whale's throat.

"Sure wish I was bigger than a beach ball right about now..."

"Masami!"

* * *

"Well, it looks like one of us is going to have to go in there..." said Shinji.

"And that someone is going to be you." said Asuka. "There's no way I'm going down... there."

"W-w-wait!" said Shinji. "I have to go in there... alone? But... Why me? I'm no hero or anything..."

"Remind me, who spent their time in the Rolling Fields chasing that sheep thing to near starvation? Which one of us won that contest with her 'amazing singing voice'?"

"Uh... Y-you did."

"Exactly. I've done all the work, so it's time you did it for a change."

"Well, I guess I'll do it..."

"And I'm comin' with ya!" said Jonah. "I know this ol' whale like the back of me hand!"

* * *

A few minutes later...

* * *

"This here's the intestine! We just need to pass through here, and we'll reach the stomach lickety-split!"

"Are you sure about this?" said Shinji.

"Course I am! The digestinal tract only has one entrance and one exit. So, if we just keep goin' we'll see your froggy friend eventually."

"I'm not sure 'digestinal' is a word, but I guess you're right. But, aren't you worried about getting stuck in here?"

"Don't worry, this whole place is big enough to fit both of us."

"Why's that?"

"Plot convenience. Anyway, here it is, the stomach!"

"Hey, Shinji!" shouted Masami. "A little help getting outta here?"

"Don't worry! We've, uh, come to save you!" said Shinji. "I just need to get over to the other side of this, uh... gastric acid. Ew..."

"I'd be careful of that if I were you." said Jonah. "That stuff can dissolve through yer skin like it was nothin'!"

"It's too far to just step over!" said Masami. "It looks like you'll have to jump it!"

"I'm not ready to do this kind of stuff..." thought Shinji to himself. "Like Asuka said, I'm always managing to stay out of danger... But that ends now!"

Shinji jumped into the air.

"FOR MASAMI!"

Shinji opened his eyes to see where he landed. Then he screamed.

"Aah! I'm in the acid! But... It's not even affecting me?"

"Huh? How in Sam Hill does that work?" said Jonah. "Your skin would be burnin' by now!"

"Who cares how it works!" said Masami. "It just means that Shinji can carry me across to the other side, and we can get outta here!"

* * *

Later...

* * *

"Shinji, you're back! Oh, and... you too, Masami."

"Well, ye're all back together now." said Jonah. "Now ye can all stay a while!"

"Well, actually, we're leaving." said Asuka. "We've got somewhere to be. RIGHT, Masami?"

"Uh, yes! Of course! See ya, weird old guy!"

"You know, while I was in there, something weird happened." said Shinji. "The whale's stomach acid, it didn't harm me at all..."

"Huh. Weird..."

* * *

Meanwhile...

* * *

"Are you sure I should be trusting you with this?" said Dick Turnip. "You know how I don't really like you messing with the security system."

"Well, y'know..." said his daughter. "It's better to make sure it doesn't get stolen, so I made this box. Only opens if you type in the password. Nobody'll get in except for us."

"But what if someone... well... broke through the glass?"

"Relax, dad. It's double-strength magic-repelling glass. DSMRG, for short."

"Where the heck are you getting double-strength whatever-glass from?"


	5. 5: Job

Chapter 5: Job

"And then I said, 'What is this, a fishmongers?'" said Masami.

"I don't get it." said Asuka.

"Well, I guess you just had to be there." said Masami. "But anyway, that's the story of how I met the girl of my dreams... and how she rejected me instantly. Hey, have you ever been in love, Asuka?"

"Not that I can remember..."

"Well, well, well... Funny you should say that, because there's a certain someone walking with us who's in love with you!"

"WHAT? There's NO WAY I'm gonna go on a date with a frog." said Asuka. "That's wrong on so many levels."

"Actually, I was talking about Shinji. Come on, you two are totally in love!"

"What? No, we're... just friends."

"Come on, back me up here, Shinji!"

"I... well... uh..." said Shinji. "Uh... It sure is getting dark all of a sudden!"

"We should probably stay at that hotel over there." said Asuka. "Just to stay for the night. And to get a proper meal. Feels like I haven't eaten for days..."

* * *

"Welcome to the Underlook Hotel!" said the receptionist. "Do you have a reservation?"

"Nah, we're just here to book a room." said Masami.

"Well, today must be your lucky day, since there's exactly... one room available!"

"Wait, we're all staying in one room?" said Asuka. "I was kinda hoping we could spend some time away from each other..." she thought to herself.

"Uh, change of plan, guys. You go to the hotel room, and I'll catch up with you later."

"Uh... okay." said Shinji.

* * *

"Grr... stupid hotel room... stupid frog... stupid-"

Suddenly, Asuka bumped into someone.

"HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"

Asuka looked up at the hotel worker that she had bumped into. She looked... familiar.

"Hey, you look, like, almost exactly like me!" said Asuka.

"That's exactly what I was going to say!" said the hotel worker. "The name's Jenny, by the way."

"And I'm Asuka. Sorry for shouting at you before. I was just really angry. Forced to go on an adventure to who-knows-where with that stupid frog..."

"I know what you mean." said Jenny. "My job's room service, and I have to deal with annoying customers every day!"

"That doesn't sound _too_ bad..."

"Wait a minute..." said Jenny. "That gives me an idea! You wear my uniform, and pretend to be me! In return, I'll pretend to be you, and keep those friends of yours out of your hair."

"Deal!" said Asuka. "They're up in room 72."

Jenny took off her hat and apron, and handed them to Asuka, and she put them on. Just then, the hotel's manager appeared.

"Hey! Jenny! Your break ended five minutes ago! Now get to work!"

* * *

"I wonder what got Asuka so worked up?" said Shinji. "Don't you think she seemed a bit angry at us?"

"Eh, don't worry about it." said Masami, holding a bar of complimentary hotel soap under each arm. "Maybe some free soap would cheer you up?"

Just then, the door opened.

"Asuka!" said Shinji. "You're back already?"

"Uh... yeah!" said Jenny. "So, how are you guys doing?"

"Well, well, well! You're much more cheery than usual!" said Masami. "What've you done with the real Asuka? Ha ha, just kidding!"

"So, what were you doing down there, anyway?" said Shinji.

"Well, you know... stuff. And things." said Jenny.

* * *

"Uh, Room 18? Hello? Is anyone there?"

The door opened, and an old man stepped out.

"Hmph. Finally, my tea's here."

"And, do you want any sugar with that?" asked Asuka.

"Yes." said the old man. "Can you put it in for me?"

Asuka was about to put a sugar cube in the tea, but then the old man stopped her.

"Hey! Just because I'm old doesn't mean I can't make my own tea! Let ME put the sugar in."

"But you just said... Ugh, fine."

Asuka handed the tea to the old man.

"Hey! Aren't you going to put my sugar in? Hmph. Kids these days, always so lazy..."

* * *

"And then I said, 'What is this, a fishmongers?'" said Masami.

"Masami, didn't you tell this story already?" said Shinji.

"I know! It gets better every time you hear it!"

"Can you please shut up?!" said Jenny. "You're making me go crazy!"

"Well, they don't call me 'the crazy frog' for nothing!" said Masami.

"More like 'the annoying thing'." said Jenny.

"So, anyway, while I was inside that whale..."

"What?! You expect me to believe you were inside a whale? You're just making this stuff up!"

"Uh... But... You were there?" said Shinji. "Wait a minute... Your personality changed, you don't remember any of our adventures... There's only one explanation! You're not Asuka! You're an imposter!"

Suddenly, Jenny filled with rage. "GAH! This was supposed to be simple! Just a bit of time off from work, you know?! But you're even MORE annoying than any of my customers! I might as well just KILL YOU NOW!"

* * *

Shinji and Masami escaped into the bathroom, and locked the door.

"Okay, so we should be safe in here." said Shinji.

Suddenly, a large axe came crashing through the bathroom door.

"Heeeeeeeeere's Jenny!"

"Where did you get an axe from?!" said Masami.

"When I'm done with you guys, I'll kill that friend of yours too! Yeah, your friend Asuka has no idea what I'm doing! She's stuck doing... Uh, what's the word..."

"Room service!"

"Yeah, room serv- Wait, who said that?"

Suddenly, the door opened.

"Asuka?" said Jenny.

"I'm definitely gonna need an explanation afterwards." said Asuka. "And by afterwards, I mean after I kick your ass!"

* * *

Jenny and Asuka started fighting.

"Hey, stop!" said Shinji. "I'm sure we can solve this peace...fully... Uh, wait. Which of you is Asuka, again?"

"What, don't you recognise me?" said Asuka. Or was it Jenny?

"What are you talking about? I'm the real Asuka, not you!"

"No, I am!"

"In your dreams!"

"Both of you, quiet!" said Shinji. "We just need to ask a few... questions. Then we'll find out who the real Asuka is."

* * *

"First question!" said Shinji. "What was the name of the old man we met who lived in a whale?"

"Uh... Hey, how am I supposed to remember that?"

"Uh... I think it started with an... F?"

"Second question!" said Masami. "What is... 7 plus 5?"

"12!" they both said at the same time.

"Masami! How is that supposed to help us?" said Shinji. "Third question! What is your favourite colour?"

"Red!"

"Blue!"

"Aha! That'll solve this conundrum!" said Masami.

"Well, uh... I just realised... I don't even know Asuka's favourite colour..."

* * *

"Come on! Don't you realise that she's the faker?"

"What? You're the faker, faker!"

"Wait a second..." said Shinji. "I've just had an idea!"

Shinji whispered something to Masami.

"The one on the left! You're the real Asuka!"

"Took you long enough to figure it out."

"Alright!" said Masami. "Shinji's girlfriend is back on the team!"

"G... GIRLFRIEND?!" shouted Asuka. "Are you seriously still talking about that? Me and Shinji are just friends, got it?"

"Heh heh..." said Shinji. "I told him to say that. Only the real Asuka would react like that!"

* * *

Just then, the hotel's manager came in.

"What the- Jenny? What the heck's been going on?"

"Well, I, uh, well, y'see..." said Jenny.

"I don't want to hear any of it! You're fired! Trying to murder guests, destruction of hotel property, identity theft, jaywalking... This is a hotel, not a... law breaking... place!"

"Grr... I'll get you one day! You hear me?!"

"And that broken door's coming out of your paycheck!"

* * *

The next morning...

"Well, last night sure was... something." said Shinji.

"Look, I might've agreed to switching roles with that girl, but I didn't know she'd go crazy like that!" said Asuka.

"Hey, look, over there!" said Masami. "That's it! That's Dick Turnip's house! We're finally here!"


	6. 6: Acts

Chapter 6: Acts

"So, we finally made it." said Shinji. "So, all we need to do is find that Golden Turnip, then get out, right? That's what Kabu said."

"Yeah, but it's not gonna be that easy." said Asuka. "What if Dick Turnip's expecting us? What if he's laid a trap for us?"

"You're right." said Shinji. "We'd better be careful. Now, how are we going to get inside?"

"Hey, uh, guys!" said Masami. "The front door's conveniently open!"

* * *

"So, this is Dick Turnip's evil lair of evilness, huh?" said Masami. "It doesn't look very evil. Just looks like a normal house to me."

"Wait, you've never been here before?" said Asuka.

"Look, I only know the way _to_ his house. I've never actually been inside."

"Hey! Who are you, and what are you doing in my house?" came a voice. Shinji, Asuka, and Masami looked up to see a man standing before them. He kind of looked like Elder Kabu, except younger. He had a bushy moustache, and was wearing a pair of goggles.

"Uh, you must be... Dick Turnip, right?" said Asuka.

"Yep, that's me! Aren't _you_ going to introduce yourselves?"

"I'm Masami, and those are my two friends, Sh-"

"Sh... uh... Shel...don. My name's Sheldon. That's what he was going to say." said Shinji.

"And I'm... Jenny." said Asuka.

"Well, nice to meet you guys! I'd just finished making dinner! Care to join me?"

"Okay, sure!" said Asuka. "Don't worry, I've got a plan." she whispered. "We go along with it, so he doesn't get suspicious. Got it?"

* * *

"So, Sheldon, what brings you guys to my house, anyway?" asked Dick Turnip.

"Oh, well, uh, you know... The usual... stuff." said Shinji.

"Well, we heard that you've got some kind of rare artefact in your house, don't you?" said Asuka. "Must be an interesting job, keeping that safe, huh?"

"Well, I just keep it down in the basement, where it's nice and safe." said Dick Turnip. "Hey, why aren't you eating anything?"

"Oh, we... just ate before we got here."

"Really? Then why is that frog eating so much?"

"'Cuz this food is delicious!" said Masami. "It's even better than peat moss! Well, I dunno if I would go _that_ far..."

"Masami, what are you doing?" whispered Asuka. "What if the food's poisoned or something?"

"Hey, relax!" whispered Masami. "You're just being overly paranoid! There's no way this food is poisoned."

"Well, fine! If you wanna just stay here and eat food all day, me and Shinji'll get that Golden Turnip ourselves!"

"What are you whispering about, Jenny?" said Dick Turnip.

"Uh, me and Shi- uh, Sheldon really need to go to the bathroom."

"At... the same time?"

"... … … ...Yes."

Shinji and Asuka quickly ran out the door.

* * *

Five minutes later...

"Oh, I hear someone coming downstairs!" said Dick Turnip. Just then, the door opened. "Masami, this is my daughter, Robin!"

Masami looked at the girl, confused. She was wearing a stained jacket, long skirt, and dark blue boots. But the one thing Masami noticed most, was her...

"Blue hair!" thought Masami. "Wait... Name starts with R, blue hair... Was this the girl that Shinji was talking about?"

"I see you're kind of confused." said Dick Turnip. "She, uh, gets her looks from her mother." "'Sup, Dad." said Robin. "Why's there a frog at the table, exactly?"

"The name's Masami! Nice to meet ya!"

"He came here with two other people, Sheldon and Jenny. You just missed them." said Dick Turnip. "But anyway, Robin here likes inventing stuff, don't you?"

"Uh, yeah." said Robin.

"Really?" said Masami. "What kind of stuff have you made?"

"Well, uh... I made a quantum flux irregularity detector..."

"A quantum what?"

"...and an automatic coffee machine..."

"An automatic coffee what?"

"Uh... I also made the security system, to protect the Golden Turnip."

"Yeah, I'm lucky to have someone who can keep the Golden Turnip safe." said Dick Turnip. "Yeah." said Robin. "Those lasers I installed are real strong."

"Uh... l-lasers, huh?" said Masami. "Boy, if someone were trying to steal that turnip, it'd be pretty much impossible, huh?"

* * *

"Look at all these lasers! Getting through here would be pretty much impossible!" said Shinji. "So, what's your plan this time?"

"Well, we've just gotta be really, _really _careful." said Asuka.

"That's your plan? What if one of those lasers touches us?" Shinji pointed towards one of the lasers. "They look pretty dea-"

Suddenly, there was a loud zap.

"Aah! Ow... That really hurts..."

"Well, we have to get the Golden Turnip, right? And this is the only way I can see us getting it. So, let's do this! Or... are you scared?"

"I am scared..." said Shinji. "But I'm going to do it anyway!"

Shinji and Asuka went over and under the lasers, but pretty soon, the gaps between the lasers got smaller and smaller.

"Any idea how to get through this one?" said Asuka.

"What? You're the one leading the way!"

"Well, as Van Halen once said... Might as well jump!"

"Who's Van H-"

Asuka ran towards the lasers, and jumped.

"See? This is how you do i-"

Suddenly, there was another loud zap. Shinji opened his eyes to see Asuka lying on the floor.

"Asuka! Are you okay?!"

"Yeah... I'm fine... Don't worry about me..."

"No, I can't _not_ worry about you! I'm going to get you to safety!"

"Are you crazy? How are you going to do that, exactly?

"I've just had an idea! If I hit that button over there..."

Shinji took off his shoe, and threw it at a button on the wall. Then, the lasers deactivated.

* * *

"You... You did it!" said Asuka. "Ahem. I mean... you really helped me out back there."

"Yeah... My heart's still beating really fast! But anyway, let's get that Golden Turnip."

Asuka walked over to the Golden Turnip. "What the heck? It's in some kind of weird box."

"Well, we can't really waste time trying to open it right now." said Shinji. "Dick Turnip's probably getting suspicious."

* * *

"And, well, I'm the only one who knows the password, so nobody except me can open it." said Robin.

"Are you sure you don't want any dessert, Masami?" said Dick Turnip. "I made chocolate brownies!"

"No thanks, I-"

Suddenly, the door swung open.

"Masami, come on!" said Asuka. "We're getting out of here!"

For just a split second, Shinji and Robin made eye contact.

"It's her..." whispered Shinji.

"It's them..." whispered Robin.

"Hey, what the?!" said Dick Turnip. "Is that the Golden Turnip?! You... dirty thieves! I should've known you were up to something!"

But, by the time Dick had finished his sentence, Shinji, Asuka, and Masami were already out the front door.

* * *

"Dad, I've gotta go after those guys!" said Robin, shovelling chocolate brownies into her pocket.

"Whoa, hold on just a second!" said Dick Turnip. "You can't go after those guys alone!"

Robin sighed deeply. "Look, Dad. There's a _lot _I need to explain to you. But it'll have to wait. I've got to catch up to Shinji and Asuka!"

"Wait, come back!" said Dick as Robin ran out the front door. "Who the heck are Shinji and Asuka?"


	7. 7: Revelation

Chapter 7: Revelation

"So, mind filling me in on who that girl is who's chasing after us?" said Asuka.

"Oh, that's Dick Turnip's daughter, Robin." said Masami. "She built a quantum fox irregularity deflector, or something. She's real nice when you get to know her!"

"Nice?" said Asuka. "I don't think anyone chasing after us like _that _is very nice."

"That girl..." said Shinji.

"Yeah, what about her?"

"Don't you realise? That's the girl who I remembered when I first woke up here! Blue hair, name beginning with R... That's definitely her!"

"We can worry about that later!" said Asuka. "Quick, let's get on that train! Then we can lose her!"

The three of them ran onto a train just as it was about to leave.

"Attention, passengers. This is a one-way train to the Rolling Fields. Unfortunately, you can't use this to travel from there to this station. But, I mean, imagine if it could! You could've skipped about 3 chapters!"

* * *

Robin ran onto the train platform, out of breath.

"Damn it. I lost 'em..." She turned to the train conductor. "Hey, when's the next train to the Rolling Fields?"

"Ho ho ho ho! Well, of course!"

"What? That doesn't even make any sense! Oh, forget it. I'll take the... _other way_, instead."

* * *

As the trio got off the train, they saw that Elder Kabu was standing there.

"Well, well, well! You're finally back!" said Kabu.

"We got that Golden Turnip you asked for." said Shinji.

"Yeah, here you go, Old Man Johnson, or whatever your name is." said Asuka.

"You know, Dick Turnip didn't really seem that evil or anything." said Masami. "What was up with that?"

"Right. Now that you've got the Golden Turnip or whatever, can we go now?" said Asuka.

"Of course you can!" said Kabu. "But first, I must congratulate you."

"Well, make it quick. I haven't got all-"

"...for being such complete and utter buffoons!"

"Excuse me?!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh..." said Kabu. "Now that the Golden Turnip isn't in the hands of that stupid brother of mine, I can finally use its power!"

"Wait..." said Shinji. "You don't mean..."

"That's right! I'm going to take over the world! And there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

"K-Kabu! How could you do this?" said Masami. "You said Dick Turnip was evil, and all that stuff! You know, the prophecy?"

Kabu laughed. "Au contraire, Masami. I didn't lie at all. All the prophecy said was that one of the brothers was secretly evil. And, well, you're looking at him! Well, I did tell one lie. What I said about needing to fulfil the prophecy to leave the island... I made that up."

"Uh, is Asuka okay?" said Masami. "She's being unusually... quiet."

"That's what she's like when she's really, _really_ angry." whispered Shinji.

"NOW LISTEN HERE, PUNK!" shouted Asuka. "IF YOU DON'T LET GO OF THAT THING RIGHT NOW, I'LL-"

Kabu outstretched his hand, and Asuka was pushed away onto the ground.

"My, my. Getting a bit angry, are we?" said Kabu.

"What... was that?"

"Now that I've got the Golden Turnip, I've become even more powerful!" said Kabu. "But right now, I can only use part of its power. When I open this stupid box, I'll become unstoppable!"

Kabu tried to use a magic spell on the box, but it bounced right off.

"Hmph. Double-strength magic-repelling glass. I should've known."

"Ha! You'll never get through that!" said Masami. "The only way in is to know the password, and only one person knows it!"

"Oh, is that so?" said Kabu. Suddenly, he dashed towards Masami and grabbed hold of him. "Tell me! You'd better tell me, or else I'll kill you!"

"No, Masami!" said Shinji. "Don't tell him!"

"I'll... never... tell... you!" said Masami, struggling against the magic that was being shot at him.

"Really?" said Kabu. "How about if I torture you a little more?"

Masami turned towards Shinji and Asuka. "You guys... I've had fun adventuring with you. Even if we kinda doomed the world... It was fun while it lasted."

"TELL ME WHO KNOWS THE PASSWORD!"

"I guess this is goodbye..." said Masami.

"No!" shouted Shinji. "Don't leave us!"

"I hope they serve... peat moss... in heaven... … … .. .. .. . . . . ."

"MASAMI!"

* * *

Masami's lifeless body dropped out of Kabu's hand and landed on the floor. There was silence.

"What the... Grr... This wasn't part of the plan!" said Kabu. "Fine! I'll scour the entire island to look for that password if I have to!"

With a flash of magic, Kabu disappeared.

"Ugh... What did I miss?" said Asuka, waking up. "That spell must've left me unconscious."

"Masami... He's... he's..."

Asuka looked over at Masami's body.

"Oh... He's dead... Y'know, I probably was too harsh on the guy." said Asuka. "I mean, even through all the things that happened... Him getting lost inside that whale... Him chasing after that Scuffalo in the Rolling Fields... Him sitting around while we got the Golden Turnip... Now I'm starting to miss him."

Shinji started crying, and Asuka put her arm around him.

"It's going to be okay. Masami may be gone, but he sacrificed himself so Kabu can't take over the world! And besides, we've got more important things to worry about. It's only a matter of time before Kabu finds out how to open that box!"

"You're right." said Shinji, drying his eyes. "But I've got a plan! We've got to get back to Dick Turnip's house, and quick!"

"Oh, you're not going anywhere." came a voice from behind them.

* * *

"Robin?" said Asuka. "How did you get here so fast?"

"I have my own ways of getting around, y'know." said Robin. "But that's besides the point. You two idiots have doomed us all! Once Uncle Kabu figures out the password, then we're as good as dead! And you two... You were helping him all along, weren't you?!"

Suddenly, Robin became angry. "HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS?! I CREATED YOU, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!"

"Hey, calm down, okay?" said Asuka. "Kabu basically tricked us into getting the Golden Turnip for him! We were just... Wait, what do you mean, you created us?"

Robin sighed. "Look, I'm sorry for flying off the handle just then. There's some stuff that I really should've told you before..."

"I'll say." said Shinji. "How come I remembered you before I ever even saw you?"

"I'll explain it all soon enough." said Robin. "But to do that, we'll need to take the secret tunnel system to my dad's house."

"Secret tunnel system?"

"Yeah, that's how I got here so quick. Hey, what happened to that frog guy?"

Asuka gestured towards Masami's body lying on the ground. "He... uh... died."

"I guess you could say... he croaked."

Asuka glared angrily at Robin.

"Too soon?"


	8. 8: Wisdom

Chapter 8: Wisdom

"I had no idea there was a secret tunnel system under this island." said Shinji.

"Well, if you did, it wouldn't really be a secret, would it?" said Robin. "But anyway, Dick Turnip won't even know what's happened, which is why we're going back to my house."

"What is all of this stuff on the walls?" asked Asuka.

"Just, like, inventions and stuff. Nothing important really."

"What's this?"

"A dimensional transporter. Well, a failed one, at least. Can't figure out how to stabilise the wormholes... But I heard there's some guy from Prismopolis who figured it out."

"Dimensional transporter?" said Shinji. "You must be a super genius to figure out things like that!"

"Heheh... It's nothing, really..." said Robin. "'sides, my inventions kinda get a bit... well... unethical at times. Speaking of that, we've arrived. It's time to tell you the truth."

* * *

"Arrived... where, exactly?" asked Asuka.

"Well, y'know..." said Robin. "Of all the tech in these tunnels, this one's the most important to me."

"What, this?" said Asuka. "Just looks like an ordinary DVD player to me. What, does it transform into a giant robot or something?"

"That'd be pretty cool, but no. It _is_ just an ordinary DVD player. But... just watch, okay?"

Robin pressed the play button on the DVD player, and the TV turned on.

* * *

"Wh... what is this?" said Asuka, pointing at the screen. "Th... that's me! And that's Shinji! But... It's not _us_, right?"

"I was always kinda fearing this moment, but... this is an anime called Neon Genesis Evangelion. Y'see, when my mother was still alive, she used to watch it all the time. Even though I've never really seen much of it myself... And then one day, I decided to try and create two guardians, to keep the Golden Turnip safe. As a tribute to my mother, I made 'em look like two characters from her favourite anime. And those two guardians... Well, you've probably guessed by now. That's you."

"Wh... wh... But... This can't be true!" said Shinji. "This must be... just... some kind of elaborate prank or something, right? R... right?"

"I'm pretty sure she's telling the truth." said Asuka. "Remember how you somehow survived that stomach acid when you were in the whale? Or how we don't have any memories from before we woke up here? I don't even know my own surname, for crying out loud!"

"It's all true." said Robin. "Both of you were created by me. An advanced artificial body, powered by a soul... It's real advanced stuff, even for me. Which is why, when I put the souls in your bodies, and you didn't wake up, I just kinda assumed it was all hopeless. So, I... uh... kinda... went over to the other side of the island, and... just kinda left you there. I know, it wasn't one of my best ideas..."

* * *

"No..." said Shinji. "How can this be true? I'm not even the real Shinji!"

Robin smiled. "You're the realest Shinji I'll ever know. Some random guy from an anime isn't gonna save the world. You are."

"I... I guess you're right."

"Want a chocolate brownie? They've, uh, been in my pocket for a while though."

"No thanks..."

"Well, anyway." said Robin. "'Bout time we stopped wasting time here. We're pretty much at my dad's house. Let's go."

* * *

"Where has that daughter of mine gone off to?" thought Dick Turnip. "It's been at least a couple hours by now. I'm getting real worried..."

"Phew, I don't think he's noticed us just yet." whispered Robin. "Good thing the secret tunnel system leads into the house. Now, we need t-"

Suddenly, Dick Turnip turned around.

"There you are!" he said sternly. "Robin Elizabeth Turnip, you _will_ explain to me what's happening right this instant!"

The two of them stared at each other for a moment.

"Aww, I can't stay mad at you!" said Dick Turnip. "Hey, and you brought Jenny and Sheldon with you too!"

"Huh?" said Robin. "Oh, uh, right. Look, that's not their real names. I'll explain everything."

* * *

"So, let me get this straight." said Dick Turnip. "You... created two artificial beings, who were then tricked into giving away the Golden Turnip to my brother, potentially causing the destruction of the world?"

"Two artificial beings?" said Asuka. "We're right here, you know. Least you could do is be more polite."

"Yeah, yeah, I know what I did was pretty bad." said Robin. "Punish me if you have to, ground me forever, et cetera."

"Punish you? No way! The entire world's at stake!" said Dick Turnip. "And with all that fancy tech of yours, I'm sure you'll have something to stop Kabu!"

"You're right." said Robin. "We can do this. As long as you two're up for it."

"Well, I guess I don't really have a choice." said Shinji.

"Come on, Shinj'!" said Asuka. "Can't you be a little more enthusiastic? We're gonna save the world!"

"Oh, are you now?"

Suddenly, the nearby wall blew open, revealing Kabu.

* * *

"Kabu?! What are you doing here?" said Dick Turnip. "And also, why did you break through our wall? There's a perfectly fine door there, you know!"

"Well, well, well." said Kabu. "Guess what? I've got the turnip, and you haven't! You kept it for all those years, and never even used its power! Bit of a waste, if you ask me. I mean, you could've conquered the world by now. But looks like _I'll_ do it instead!"

"No you won't!" said Asuka. "We're gonna stop you!"

"Hmph. What are a couple of kids like you going to do to a being of such power as I? You should probably just run away!"

"Sounds like a plan." said Robin, who started running.

"What are you doing? You can't just run away!" shouted Shinji.

"I'm not running away. I'm, uh, tactically retreating. And it'd be a good idea to follow me, unless you feel like dying today. Come on! Let's go into the secret tunnel system."


	9. 9: Kings

(Author's Note: Damn, it's been, like, 3 months since the last chapter. I really need to start getting these things out sooner.)

Chapter 9: Kings

"Hey, hang on, you guys!" said Dick Turnip, running after Shinji, Asuka, and Robin. "How come you never told me about all this? The tunnels, the inventions..."

"Don't like drawing attention to myself." said Robin. "Besides, if anyone else found out, they'd probably try to steal it."

"Well, I hope you've got something real huge hidden away in here..." said Asuka. "Or we'll be in real big trouble!"

Robin laughed. "Heheh... Well, I guess you could say that."

Robin stopped in front of a door, and entered a passcode.

"This'd better be good." said Asuka. "Or else I'll..."

Suddenly, Asuka fell silent as she saw what was inside the room.

"Where exactly did you get a GIANT FRICKIN' ROBOT from?!"

"Made it myself." said Robin. "Just in case anything like this ever happened."

"And you're... going to climb into that thing?" said Shinji.

"Not just me. This thing's got room for three people."

"Uh, is nobody going to mention the fact that _my daughter built a giant robot under our house without me even noticing?!_" said Dick Turnip.

* * *

"So, you two ready to get inside this thing?" asked Robin. "Dad, it's probably safest if you just stay down here. Wouldn't want you getting crushed or anything."

"Wait, so... you mean... I'm going in there?" said Shinji, nervously.

"Well, yeah." said Robin. "After all, you _are_ based after one of the greatest mecha pilots I've ever known. Well, one of the only ones I've ever known, but..."

"What's wrong?" said Asuka. "You scared, or something?"

"Let's face it, Asuka. I'm not a hero. I'll never be able to live up to that other version of me... The real me..."

"Oh, come on! You watched some weird anime and then you just... gave up? You need to pull yourself together! And anyway, we're about to save the world! If that doesn't prove you're a hero, then nothing will!"

"But... Well... I..."

"GET IN THE GODDAMN ROBOT, SHINJI!"

Shinji thought for a moment.

"Okay. Let's do this."

* * *

"You two okay in there?" said Robin. "You'll be controlling the arms, and I'll control the body, got it?"

"Uh, how exactly do I control this thing?" said Shinji.

"Don't worry 'bout it." said Robin. "Those sensors up there let you control the arms just by using your mind! Pretty cool, huh?"

"Well, as long as I get used to the contr-"

"Alright. Let's go."

The roof of the underground tunnel opened up, and a large metal platform raised the mecha up to face Kabu.

"So, you're finally finished down there." said Kabu. "And what's this? You really expect this heap of scrap metal to be able to beat me?"

"Listen, Kabu." said Robin. "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way."

"Wahahahaha! Then I'll go with the easy way. By which I mean _beating you_, since you don't stand a chance!"

* * *

"We interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast with an emergency newsflash! A giant... like, massive frickin' robot has appeared in the north of Turnip Island, and it appears to be fighting some kind of... floating old man. Eyewitnesses report that inside the robot are three kids, two of which are believed to be named Shinji and Asuka. We now turn to someone who knows these two."

"Shinji and Asuka?" said Simon Scowl. "Yeah, I remember those guys. They won an episode of Simon Says a couple of days ago. But, aside from that, I dunno anything about them."

Suddenly a magician appeared in a puff of smoke, covered in viscous purple slime.

"You will not _believe_ what I had to go through to get back here." said Magic Ian. "Hey, what'd I miss?"

* * *

"Alright, you impudent little girl! I should've suspected from the start; you know the password, don't you? And I'll get it out of you one way or another!"

"You're gonna have to get through us three first!" shouted Asuka. She went to punch Kabu, but he moved out of the way.

"Don't you realise?" said Kabu. "I'm fast, and your giant robot moves at the speed of, well, the massive hunk of metal that it most definitely is!"

"Dang it. He's right." said Robin. "But that just means we'll have to think of a strategy."

"Take... this!" shouted Kabu. "Super Mega Ultra Hyper Power Beam of Complete Total Destruction!"

Kabu shot a beam from his hands that hit the mecha's right arm.

"Asuka! You holding up okay in there?" said Robin.

"Yeah, I'm still okay... I think. He's gonna pay for that!"

"Wait a sec. Don't hit him."

"But, but..."

"You've gotta trust me on this."

"Fine..."

"Wahahahaha!" laughed Kabu. "You can run, but you can't hide! Oh, wait! You can't run either!"

* * *

"W-watch where you're going, Robin!" said Shinji. "There's a cliff coming up behind you!"

"I know." said Robin. "Let's hope I don't fall off!"

"Falling down there would kill us! Are you crazy?"

"Perhaps... But this is the only chance we've got!"

"Oh, you don't need to worry about falling off." said Kabu. "It's getting PUSHED off that you have to worry about!"

"Okay! You guys!" said Robin. "On the count of three, you both help pick up that boulder over there. One..."

"Super Mega Hyper Ultra... no, wait..."

"Two..."

"Super Mega Ultra Beam of... Oh, forget it. Take this!"

"THREE!"

Shinji and Asuka controlled the mecha's arms to pick up a giant boulder that was near the edge of the cliff.

"Throw it now!"

Together, they threw the boulder at Kabu, which exploded into a million pieces.

"Alright!" said Shinji. "You did it!"

"No..." said Asuka. "_We_ did it."

* * *

Kabu got up off the ground. "Hah... hah... hah... How did you manage to hit me? But it doesn't matter. I'm not finished with you yet!"

"Man, what does it take to defeat this guy?" said Asuka.

"Hmph. You know, you three are awfully full of yourselves to think you're able to defeat me! You're just a couple of kids!"

"Oh, yeah?" said Asuka. "Well, could a kid do THIS?"

Asuka went to punch Kabu, but Kabu blocked it with a blast of dark energy.

"ASUKA!"

"Uh oh. That's not good." said Robin.

"NOT GOOD?!" shouted Shinji. "THE ENTIRE ARM'S BROKEN OFF!"

"Well, what are you going to do about it?" said Kabu, mockingly. "You're no hero. You're hardly even a real person!"

"I'm more real than you'll ever be!"

"What does that even mean?" asked Robin.

"I don't know..." said Shinji. "I just thought it sounded kind of cool. But it's time to end this once and for all!"

"Shinji, what are you doing?! It's dangerous to exit the mecha while it's active! Especially from this high- "

"LISTEN UP, YOU HEARTLESS OLD MAN! NOBODY MESSES WITH MY FRIENDS LIKE THAT, GOT IT? THIS TIME, IT'S PERSONAL!"

"Are you nuts?" said Kabu. "What exactly are you planning on doing?"

Shinji jumped into the air.

"FOR MASAMI!"

* * *

For a moment, everything seemed to go in slow motion. Shinji jumped into the air and hit Kabu square in the face.

Robin sat there, dumbfounded. "Wha... Wow... That... was awesome. Hey, wait! Shinji's about to fall!"

* * *

Shinji opened his eyes. "D... did I do it?"

"Yep. You did it. Luckily I was able to divert controls to the arms and catch you just in time."

"But, wait. Aren't these hands made out of metal? Surely falling from that height onto solid metal would-"

"Agh... Gah... You... I... I don't believe this!" said Kabu, who was trapped underneath the mecha's foot. "Even with the power of the Golden Turnip, I still lost?"

"Yep." said Robin. "Looks like your reign of terror's finally come to an end. And I'm going to make absolutely sure of it."

"Aw, come on... You wouldn't crush old Uncle Kabu, would you?"

"No... Instead, I think I'll just leave you here until they arrest you. And I'll be taking _that_, thank you very much."

Robin lowered Shinji down to safety, then took the Golden Turnip from Kabu.

* * *

"Wow, that was amazing, you guys!" said Dick Turnip. "I saw everything! Uh, I mean... I was definitely in the underground base this whole time! Didn't come out to cheer you on or anything... Hey, anyway, where's Asuka?"

* * *

"Asuka! Please tell me you're okay!" shouted Shinji. Robin pried open the door on the smoldering remains of the mecha's detached arm, revealing her unconscious body.

"Don't worry too much." said Robin. "I can feel her pulse. She's still alive, just unconscious."

"Asuka... I... "

Shinji leaned over and kissed Asuka.

"Mmph... Huh? H-hey! What are you doing?"

"Hey, you're awake!" said Robin.

"I'm sorry..." said Shinji. "I don't know what came over me."

"Eh, it's fine." said Asuka.

"And besides," said Robin. "With Asuka laying unconscious like that... Well, let's just say... I'm glad that's the only thing that _came over_ someone."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Shinji.

"I'll explain when you're older. But now, it's time to get this Golden Turnip back where it's safe. Maybe I should improve the security system too..."

"Hey, wait a second." said Asuka. "You have access to this thing that gives you super cool magical powers, and you're not even going to use it?"

"Well, heh heh... I may have used it a _couple of times_ in the past." Robin gestured towards Shinji and Asuka. "So, what the heck? Might as well use it a third time."

"What are you going to use it for, exactly?"

"Heh heh... You'll see."

* * *

Robin entered the password and took the Golden Turnip out of the box. There was a blinding flash of light, and then...

"Mmph... Huh? Wha... Where am I?" said a familiar voice.

"Wait..." said Asuka. "Is that..."

"Masami!"

"Yep. I'm back! ...I guess. What happened."

"I brought you back with the Golden Turnip's power." said Robin.

"Hey, what happened while I was gone?" said Masami. "Did we win?"

"Well, I guess I've gotta tell you everything." said Robin. "But that can wait until we're back home."

"Alright! I hope that father of yours has some more of that delicious food! I'm starving!"

* * *

THE END


	10. Bonus: Sir Cecil's Secrets

Bonus: Sir Cecil's Secrets

Well, hello there.

This isn't really a part of the story. It's more a thing where I explain the secrets and hidden details you may not have noticed. I'll be going over pretty much the whole story, so expect spoilers. But if you've got this far, you've probably read the whole story anyway. Unless you were just like "Hmm, today I will look at last chapter for no reason."

* * *

The Concept

I've never watched the anime. Or read the manga, if there is one.

Whoops.

I was inspired to create an Evangelion fanfic because, for some reason, they always appear at the top of every list of fanfics on TV Tropes. And also, here's the thing. Sometimes, I end up writing fanfics about things I don't like or particularly care about, but through writing them, I start to appreciate them a bit more. Happened with DDLC too. ...Maybe.

At first, I had no idea what the plot was going to be. One of my original ideas from a very long time ago was where the entire Evangelion universe was bought by an evil salesman, who forced the characters to act in his advertisements. But that'd probably be a bit too weird. Another idea involved a completely invincible character, who didn't care whatsoever about any kind of danger. But I'm saving that for... something else. You'll see. Well, if I don't procrastinate too much.

So, how did A Turnip for the Worse come about? Well, it involves the Shawshank Redemption, and the sixth season of a Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon that never existed.

* * *

Shawshank Redemption 2: Journey to Choclit Island

Let me explain. One time, the Shawshank Redemption was on TV while I was on holiday. I jokingly thought of a sequel to the movie, where the main characters travel to a place called "Choclit Island" and have wacky adventures there. See, the joke is that Shawshank is a serious film, and this 'sequel' was completely nonsensical and stupid. So, I thought "Hey, Evangelion's all serious and stuff, so I could do the same thing with this fanfic!". But Choclit Island wouldn't do. I had to think of another island.

When I was younger, I made up a Sonic the Hedgehog 'show'. The 'show' lasted for 9 seasons and over 250 episodes. Well, I say 'episodes', but probably only about a third of them had at least the vaguest semblance of a plot. The rest were just titles that I thought of because they were kind of like puns. But we can talk about that some other time. One of the episodes was called "A Turnip for the Worse". It was where a can of turnip soup accidentally became irradiated, and sent everyone to a turnip dimension. Yeah, I had some weird ideas. But if you read my stuff, you probably already knew how weird my ideas are. So, somehow, I got the idea to combine that title with the Island concept, et voila! Turnip Island was born.

* * *

This section's about da Frog!

Masami the frog was an... interesting character. Why did I make him a frog? I'm not really sure. But I can tell you why his name is Masami. You see, I'm a fan of music from the Rhythm Heaven series. And guess what? Three of the composers are called _Shinji_ Ushiroda, _Asuka_ Ito, and _Masami_ Yone. (Check out the song 'Pirate Crew' and you'll see their names.) Since two characters already shared names with those composers, naming one Masami was too good an opportunity to pass up.

* * *

The Chapters, AKA "I couldn't think of a funny title for this section."

You probably noticed, but the chapters are named after books from the Bible. I do like my chapter theme naming, and I've heard that Evangelion has a lot of Christian symbolism. And of course, each title is kind of related to what happens. Well, Chapter 2: Exodus was kind of a tricky one. The only real link is that Exodus means 'leaving'. And it comes after Genesis.

After I'd got the basic plot down, Chapters 3 to 5 could've been pretty much anything. I actually came up with the names first, then the chapter plots from there. There was originally a chapter called 'Numbers', but I couldn't think of anything for that, so it was replaced with 'Jonah'.

* * *

Robin Turnip

Warning: Any similarities this character has to other characters from the Evangelion canon was entirely non-coincidental. But there were a couple of veeeeeeeeery subtle hints that you might've missed. For one, the chapters that Shinji remembers stuff about her are the same chapters where she appears at the end.

In a very early version of the plot, it was actually Dick Turnip that created Shinji and Asuka. That original plot also had Shinji die instead of Masami, but that idea was more hypothetical than anything. Masami was originally supposed to stay dead, because the story was originally going to be a bit more serious. Also because I thought 'I never seem to kill my characters off for good'. Even though I only really made one other story. There's an Attack on Titan-themed story that I never got round to finishing, or posting.

* * *

Quick-fire round!

Here's where I go over some other random references and tidbits. What does tidbits even mean anyway? What is tid? And how do you get bits of it? But anyway, let's we go, amigo!

* * *

Title Image:

Or whatever you call it. The image that appears next to the title just looks like a turnip, right? Well, it may be a bit hard to see, but the patterns of dirt on the turnip make the shapes of our three main characters.

* * *

Chapter 1:

Kabu's name is 'Turnip' in Japanese.

* * *

Chapter 2:

I'm pretty sure frogs don't eat peat moss, but by the time I researched it, I thought the joke was too good to leave out.

The whole 'road trip' style of the first few chapters was inspired by Green Eggs and Ham (the animated version). Not the book, 'cuz that don't got that, innit?

* * *

Chapter 3:

Simon Scowl is an obvious parody of Simon Cowell. But maybe you already knew that.

There's a couple of references to Deathsalad, the band that appeared in the side story of Harold Harold Literature Club. Check it out if you want some more context. (Please?)

Unagi Hobākurafuto's names translate to 'Eel' and 'Hovercraft', respectively. Referencing "My hovercraft is full of eels" from a Monty Python skit. Since I wanted to make a joke where you translate Japanese to English, I made it a translation _about_ bad translations. Pretty meta.

Shinji, Asuka, and Masami get called 'The Three Stooges'. Apart from referencing, well, the Three Stooges, it's also said in Evangelion. Why do I know of a random phrase used in the anime, but not the actual plot itself? My knowledge of a lot of anime is weird like that.

The song that Asuka sings is actually A Cruel Angel's Thesis. At least, the lyrics translated from Japanese, anyway. They don't seem to fit with the tune, but then again, I've never heard the English version. And I've never bothered to check.

When Asuka says 'Give me a C'... Yes, I did check what the first note of A Cruel Angel's Thesis was. I do _a bit_ of research, you know.

Also, the joke at the end is kind of a rip off of a joke from The Mighty Boosh, but... whatever.

* * *

Chapter 5:

The name of the hotel and Jenny going crazy reference The Shining. And yes, I named her Jenny just so I could make that 'Here's Jenny' joke.

* * *

Aaaaand, that's all, folks. But, watch out for the next story. Though, to be honest, even I'm not sure what's gonna be next...


End file.
